


I will always hold you close

by mistyegg



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Coming Out, Confessions, Ereri endgame, F/M, Gay Panic, M/M, Self-Discovery, bascially eren figures out he's gay okay, eremika is only at the start, how tf do i tag this, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26693365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistyegg/pseuds/mistyegg
Summary: Eren and Mikasa have been best friends since elementary school, have been dating since prom night, when Mikasa had blurted out her feelings and Eren smiled at her and took her hands in his. They were, in everybody’s eyes, the ideal couple; the pair that would probably be married with at least one kid in ten years time.Except… maybe not.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 6
Kudos: 95





	I will always hold you close

**Author's Note:**

> originally, this was only gonna be like... 2k, but then my gay ass got emotional so now it's nearly 4k and i'm pretty sure i cried while writing this, but you have no proof
> 
> i've been in a little bit of a writing rut this month, but i wrote majority of this fic in one three hour sitting, so idk maybe i'm doing okay i guess 
> 
> title from light by sleeping at last

It first started in their senior year of high school - they had been dating for about eight months at this point, and had recently shared their first kiss when Eren took her rollarshaking for her 17th birthday a few weeks prior. Eren had been in the changing rooms after football practice and redressing himself, preparing to meet his girlfriend outside so she could come to the Jaeger house for dinner, throwing on his shirt and freezing at the sight in front of him.

The memory slightly haunts him to this day - it’s not like he’d never met a shirtless man before, partaking in his high school football team for years now, but the sight of one of the linemen groaning as he struggled to get his sweat-soaked shirt off threw him in a trance. Reiner Braun was a good friend of Eren’s, having guided him when he first joined the team and always encouraged the younger to push himself, so it’s not like Eren was unfamiliar with Reiner.

He was just… hot.

Hot unlike Mikasa, who adorned the same muscles on her own body from her years of roller derby and martial arts, who was still lithe and almost fragile to the touch. Reiner was thicker - covered in light sprinkles of blonde hair which almost didn’t show up on his white skin, and could easily beat Eren down if he wanted to.

Not that Mikasa couldn’t - she’d proved that already, everytime Eren’s anger had gotten out of hand.

He was snapped out of his trance when Reiner, now clothed, snapped his fingers in front of Eren’s face. “You right there, Jaeger? Didn’t think you’d hit your head that hard on the field today.”   
  
He’d taken a shaky breath and continued with his shirt, ignoring the way his hands quaked. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine, just tired I guess.”   
  
Reiner had paused, before shrugging and letting it go. “Alright, if you say so.”

  
  
It’s not that Eren had anything wrong with the concept of not being straight - having grown up in a supportive environment, he learnt from a very early age to accept every type of person. But the prospect of himself being gay, bisexual… anything other than straight set a fear inside of him.

What would his parents think? He was their only kid, and if he wasn’t straight he may not be able to provide them grandchildren as the years go by. They had been hinting at the idea of him and Mikasa getting married now that they were both finished with college, and starting a family within the next few years.

Mikasa sometimes brings up the idea, usually in the dark while they’re under the covers and falling asleep; she entertains the idea of living a white-picket fenced house type of life and Eren just holds her hand and falls asleep without saying a word. He wouldn’t be opposed to marrying Mikasa - they’ve talked about it before, about buying rings and proposing to each other, planning out the rest of their lives, and Eren smiles at the idea of being around one of his best friends for the rest of his life.

But, in the end, the thought is  _ terrifying.  _

Because he knows he doesn’t want to live his life out with Mikasa as his partner, and he hates himself for leading her on, but he can’t bring himself to tell her.

That… he’s probably gay.

Even though Eren’s gone through college, gotten his degree and even has a two year deal at his local elementary school teaching to his heart desires, he still feels a lot more lost than he’s ever felt in his lifetime. He’s tried his best to hide it away and focus on his work, but he wears his heart on his sleeve - he notices the looks Mikasa gives him everytime he zones out and the delicate way she’ll hold his hand to bring him back to reality.

It’s when Levi suddenly comes into the picture that Eren’s midlife crisis suddenly kicks it up a notch.

It wrecks Eren with guilt at how attracted he is to Levi, because he’s literally second cousins with Mikasa; having been adopted, she hadn’t known any of her family, and she was ecstatic when Levi reached out to her on social media. All of his blood relatives were dead, and according to him, Mikasa was the only one who he reached out to that responded.

Levi proves to be absolutely gorgeous, having a similar resting face to Mikasa; you could easily pass them off as siblings, Eren thinks. Levi has the same striking eyes, though Eren quickly learns after talking to Levi that those grey orbs have a certain cheeky nature to them, whereas Mikasa is more gentle. He apparently co-runs a tattoo shop where all the employees are close friends, showing off his many facial piercings; Eren’s attention zeros in on the pride-themed gauges he has in, heart speeding up.

Mikasa notices, too, “Oh, is that the bi flag?”   
  
“It is, yeah. My friend Hanji made these for me; they make a shit ton of pride themed stuff and would probably drag me through the mud if I didn’t show them off,” Levi scoffs, pulling his ear back to show off the glittery jewellery. “If you guys have any piercings, I could bring some of Hanji’s stuff around if we meet?”   
  
“Oo, that’d be nice,” Mikasa muses. “I’ve been meaning to change my ear piercings. Eren?”   
  
He looks at her sharply, suddenly back into the moment, “Oh, yeah maybe… I’d have to get something  _ pierced  _ though.”   
  
“Gotta start somewhere, kid,” Levi muses over the call. “You’d look good with some, I think… maybe just one ear piercing, though. You seem like the unique type.”   
  
“That’s one way to describe him.”   
  
“Hey!”   
  
True to his word, he does bring some around when they meet up only a few weeks later, amazingly living only two hours from each other. Levi stays in their guest bedroom for the weekend, even piercing Eren’s ear and leaving strict instructions so it doesn’t get infected, probably thinking Eren was frozen the entire time because he was nervous of needles or something.

And maybe needles have made him queasy since he was a kid, but having Levi so close to him and talking quietly in his ear while he threads the needle through the soft tissue of his lobe did all sorts of things to Eren’s stomach.

“Do you like Levi?” Mikasa asks after their guest leaves. “He’s pretty cool. Reminds me of Ymir, from highschool, remember her?”   
  
“Yeah,” Eren mumbles. “Yeah, Levi’s cool. I’m really glad you met him, Mikasa.”   
  
“Me too!”   
  
Like every year, Sasha and Connie exclaim their holding a party for the 4th of July, which they mostly use as an excuse to cook a whole lot of food for a whole lot of friends. It takes a few tries for Mikasa to convince Levi to come, who claims to be fairly antisocial, but he eventually gives in with the promise of leaving early to drive home. “I have work the next morning, and I’m pretty sure Hanji wouldn’t let me live it down if I turned up with a hangover,” He reasons, and that’s apparently enough for Mikasa.

Eren is gloomy the entire night, almost tempted to stay home and feign sickness just to wallow in bed by himself, only pushing himself through because the idea of seeing Levi fills his stomach with the same butterflies he felt with Mikasa as a lovesick teenager. Mikasa picks up on his mood but says nothing, resting a hand on his thigh as he drives the two to Connie and Sasha’s house.

They've moved since last year’s party, having upgraded to a family-style home after they got engaged at Christmas, and Mikasa isn’t afraid to praise them for their new abode, telling Eren how homely it is. 

He smiles and nods with a choked throat.

Eren manages to grab a full beer and slip out the back doors, eyeing the lights on the decking railing and how much it makes the lush yard glow. He texts Mikasa to tell her he’s fine, knowing she’ll get worried and search for him as if he’s a lost child, before relaxing on the stairs leading down to the backyard.

He doesn’t know how long he’s sitting there, lost in his thoughts and slowly drinking his alcohol when he hears the glass sliding doors open.

“Oi, you know your girl is looking for you.”   
  
Eren doesn’t bother turning around, hearing heavy boots step on the deck before suddenly, Levi’s smaller body is sitting next to him on the stairs. Levi leans forward and eyes Eren’s downcast expression, “But I guess you’re out here because you don’t want her to find you, huh.”   
  
“Just a little,” Eren mumbles, taking a swig from his beer bottle with a sigh. “Is it obvious?”   
  
“Only because Mikasa told me you’ve been having issues. Said you’re going through something.”   
  
“Did she tell you that just so you could interrogate me?” Eren’s tone is bitter, fingers tightening around the glass bottle almost dangerously.    
  
“Probably, but I wouldn’t tell her if you didn’t want me to,” Levi scoffs. “Look kid, I’m an asshole, but I’m not  _ that  _ type of asshole. I get it, sometimes it’s hard to tell the people you’re closest to, right?”   
  
“Right…” Eren looks at him for the first time, showing off his red eyes and roughly bitten lips. “You really wouldn’t tell her?”   
  
“What, you want me to pinky promise or something?” Levi raises an eyebrow with a challenging smirk.

Eren rolls his eyes, “You’re unbelievable.”   
  
“I’ve been told my actions are pretty believable, actually.”   
  
Eren snorts and turns back to look down at the backyard, shrouded in darkness from the night, lit up by the half moon in the sky, no clouds in sight. He knows Mikasa has been looking at houses just like this one, with a big yard to house the small family she one day wants to have, probably with Eren in mind, and it makes his hands shake.

Levi notices, “Eren-”   
  
“I think I’m gay.”   
  
There’s a silence between them, and when Eren’s hands don’t stop, Levi reaches out and takes the beer bottle to place it on the stairs. It’s apparently the headstart he needs, suddenly all of the thoughts he’s had floating in his brain for  _ years  _ spilling out, “Shit, not think, I  _ know  _ I’m gay, and that’s so terrifying. Because Mikasa wants to marry me, and I love her, but I didn’t get it until recently, and now maybe I’m too far into this to back out. But I can’t just… lie to her, that would kill her, and she’ll eventually figure it out when I suddenly can’t… give her the family she wants.”   
  
He groans and flops back, looking up at the moon in the sky with almost desperation cast on his face. “And… I want to tell her. I  _ will  _ tell her, soon, maybe, I don’t know. I wasn’t, but… meeting you,” He looks at Levi, who watches with wide eyes, “Meeting you has made me… I think I get it, Levi. I think I get everything.”   
  
When it’s clear he has nothing more to say, Levi’s shoulders relax and he releases a puff of air, “Shit kid, how long have you been thinking about this?”   
  
“I don’t know. Probably since… senior year, I guess. But it’s only been on my mind recently.”

Levi looks at him, squints at the deck with disgust before deciding to lie back next to Eren, bumping their shoulders purposefully as he goes. Eren knows he sheds a few silent tears, eyes burning because of it, falling down the sides of his face, but he ignores them, “Is this what it feels like?”   
  
“Freedom?”   
  
Eren’s breath catches, and he manages a smile, “Yeah.”   
  
“Yeah, it does.”   
  
“I like that.”   
  
“Me too, brat.”   
  
They lie there for an unprecedented amount of time, Eren’s beer going lukewarm at their feet and the air being filled with their puffs of breath, slightly visible in the night sky. They’re both startled when the sliding door behind them opens and Mikasa is standing at the glass, giving a small smile to them both, “There you are. Thought I lost you.”   
  
Eren sits up and groans, “Fuck, my back.”   
  
Levi has less trouble sitting up, snorting, “Thought I was meant to be the old one here.”   
  
“Oi, shut up grandpa.”   
  
Eren yelps when Levi punches him in the shoulder, standing and looking at Mikasa, “Don’t worry, cous, I’ll bring him in shortly. Sorry for stealing him.”   
  
“It’s okay,” Mikasa whispers, meeting Eren’s eyes with almost desperation.

He manages a smile, “I’m okay, Kasa.”   
  
Her smile grows wider and she nods in satisfaction, closing the door behind her to not let the cold air trail her. The curtains inside the glass doors fall as she moves further into the house. Eren sighs and swivels his back to crack it, just sitting there as he slowly grows accustomed to what’s happened in the past hour. He looks up at Levi, “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it, kid,” Levi murmurs, “I’m just glad I could help.”

Eren stands up, stretching his legs and growing his arms taller to gain feeling back into them. When he opens his eyes, Levi is looking at his torso, exposed when his shirt had ridden up; Eren goes red, freezing until Levi’s grey eyes trail up to meet his teal ones.

“Levi-”

“Give me your phone.”   
  
Eren looks down at Levi with a confused look, but easily obeys the order with less resistance than one would expect, due to being tipsy. Levi takes the device and rolls his eyes, “You have to unlock it, dumbass.”   
  
“Oh, right.”

After exchanging it again and a few seconds of silence, Levi hands back the phone to Eren, who eyes the new contact with curiosity. Levi has his usual calm expression on his face, but there’s something sparkling in his eyes that makes Eren’s stomach do flips.

“Call me once you tell her, okay? And  _ only  _ once you tell her.”   
  
Eren’s eyes go wide, “You mean…?”   
  
Levi sighs, turning around and heading inside, “You’ve got this, brat. It takes a lot of courage to come out, but I think you’re one of the bravest, stupidest people I’ve met.”

-

“What did you and Levi talk about?” Mikasa asks that night, taking off the dress she had worn to dinner and beginning to get dressed into her sleepwear. 

Eren was already sitting in bed, “You told him just so he could get it out of me, didn’t you?”   
  
She pauses, pulling her shirt off from where she was about to put it on and frowning at him, “Are you mad?”   
  
“No, not really,” Eren whispers, looking away to avoid looking at her almost naked body. He had always felt pleased to see her, glad she could trust him with such a vulnerable part of herself, but it still made him uncomfortable. Mikasa sighs and crawls into bed, chest covered and having apparently thrown on some shorts too.

“I’m sorry, Eren, but… You can tell me anything, honey; I love you. I had Levi talk to you because I know you get along, and maybe… If I can’t help, maybe he can.”   
  
Mikasa takes his hand in hers and he sighs, feeling like he was going to cry again despite the many tears he had shed earlier that night. “I’m sorry, Mikasa… I know I’ve been shitty lately, I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”   
  
“Are you… ready to tell me?”   
  
“You’ll hate me.”   
  
_ “Never.”  _ Mikasa has that tone on her voice, the one that means she is not backing down from her opinion no matter how much you try to tell her otherwise. Her grip gets tighter, “How about we go to sleep, and if you’re ready in the morning, you can tell me then.”   
  
When he agrees, she smiles and grabs his face, pulling him down so she can kiss his forehead. He accepts the peck on his lips after and lets himself get pulled down into bed, happily snuggling into Mikasa and pillowing her head on his chest. He may not be able to sleep with her every night anymore, but he’s always loved sleeping beside her, knowing he’s safe and protected beside her.

-

Despite always waking up early every morning to go on his and Mikasa’s daily run, he doesn’t wake up to the alarm he has slowly gotten used to. Instead, he wakes up by himself, with the sun’s rays coming through the open blinds.

Mikasa, already dressed, smiles at him, “Rise and shine, sleepy head.”   
  
He startles up, “Oh my god, did you let me sleep in?”   
  
“Thought you deserved it,” She replies, “Don’t worry, it’s not even ten yet. I’ll make you a coffee, go take a shower.”   
  
He does exactly that, standing under the hot water for a few minutes just contemplating what he’s about to do; that his life with Mikasa that seems easy enough to live in is about to fall about, and he’s about to be the cause of it. He shampoos his hair and yells when he’s careless enough to let some slip into his eyes, immediately washing it out and wincing at the burn.

It almost reminds him of the burn his eyes felt last night when he was crying, and he’s reminded of the talk Levi and him had; the way Levi looks at him with almost pride in his eyes, adorned with his bisexual gauges and having  _ freedom- _

Eren almost slips, catching himself on the tiled wall and laughing at how stupid he’s being. After finishing in the shower, he dries quickly and dresses himself before meeting Mikasa in the kitchen. She’s scrolling on her phone with her own mug of what looks like hot chocolate, never having enjoyed coffee like Eren does.   
  
“Are you okay? I heard you yelling,” Mikasa asks.

“Yeah… You know, getting shampoo in your eyes hurts more than you think.”   
  
She snorts, “You’re a dumbass.”

“I also… I’m ready to talk about it,” He says, clearing his throat and just wanting to get this over with. “I realised in the shower that I’m ready to talk about it.”   
  
She places her phone down and looks at him with such an open look that it makes him want to cry again. He places his mug down when he realises he’s shaking again, and honestly, can he just stop doing that? “I think I’ve known for a long time, but I’ve just never really let myself think about and accept it. I’ve been thinking about it for a few months now, and… you were right, talking with Levi about it has really helped open my eyes to what I want to do.”   
  
“Eren… honey,” She reaches out a hand, palm exposed, and he takes it easily.

“I… Mikasa, I’m gay.”

Her grip freezes, and he refuses to look at her, eyeing the dark pit of his coffee. “And… God Mika, I’m so sorry for leading you on. I never intended to, I swear to God. You deserve the entire universe, and I’m sorry I can’t give you that. You’re amazing, my best friend,  _ I love you.  _ Just, not in the way I apparently thought I did a few years ago.”   
  
Mikasa is suddenly pulling away, and Eren  _ feels  _ his heart sink into his stomach like a brick in water. Suddenly, hands are on his shoulders and he’s being turned to face Mikasa, who has tears in her eyes and a distraught look on her face.

“Mika…”   
  
“Oh Eren,” She whispers, before pulling him into a tight hug and sobbing into his shoulder. “Honey, I don’t  _ hate  _ you for that, oh my God… Just let me hug you, please.”   
  
He does, feeling almost choked by the tight grip she has around his upper back, soothing her as she cries by playing with her short hair. After a few minutes of just standing there, they ease up and Mikasa pulls away, wiping her eyes.

“I shouldn’t be crying,” She sighs. “I should be consoling  _ you,  _ damnit.”   
  
He smiles, “It’s okay, Kasa. I think I’ve cried enough these past weeks to make up for it.”   
  
She has a sad smile on her lips, reaching up to take her cheek, “I love you, too. No matter what, Eren, because you are family. Even if that means I have to let parts of you go, you’ll always have my back, and I’ll always have yours.”   
  
“Mikasa…”   
  
She lightens up slightly, “Wait here.”   
  
She disappears down the hall, leaving Eren to stand at the kitchen counter, confused. She returns from maybe their bedroom, holding something behind her back and aligning their feet so their standing face to face again.

She reaches up to drape an old and familiar red scarf around his neck, moving her arms widely to throw it over his head like he had down to her years before, in school when she had just moved and the kids were giving her shit for being adopted. Eren had told her he’d be her friend, giving her that scarf that has gone through years of delicate repairs, saying that she can use the scarf to have the energy to fight back against the bullies.

He tears up, “Mikasa…”   
  
“Family,” Is all she says, taking his hands. After a few seconds he adjusts it so his head isn’t being hidden anymore, slowly drying hair more of a mess than it was before. He bites his lip, “Can I kiss you? Just… one last time.”   
  
She doesn’t answer, reaching up despite their lack of a height difference to take his cheeks gently and apply a small peck to his lips, sighing, “Even as kids, I loved doing that.”   
  
“Me too,” Eren mumbles.

“I’m so proud of you.”   
  
“...Me too.”

They finish their drinks, washing them side by side at the sink, drying them and putting them away with ease. “Have you… I guess, met anyone?”   
  
“Uh-” Eren coughs, feeling his face grow red. “Kinda? I haven’t cheated on you, or anything…”   
  
“It’s Levi, isn’t it.”

“...I hate that you can read me so well.”   
  
She laughs, and he groans, “Look, we didn’t do anything… I just came out to him last night, and I maybe like him, I don’t know, I’m still working it out. But he gave me his number and told me to call him after I told you.”   
  
Mikasa elbows him in the ribs, “It’s alright, Eren. I guess we have to figure out what we’re gonna do now, but why don’t you call him and invite him over for lunch? We can invite Armin, Sasha and Connie, or whoever you want, any of our friends.   
  
“...Really?”   
  
“Yes, really,” She grabs her phone. “They’re a part of our lives, so they deserve to know we’re at least breaking up, even if it means you don’t want to tell them why just yet. It’s up to you…. Just tell me who to call.”   
  
“I think… I want to tell Armin, but not the others just yet.”   
  
“Alright,” She kicks him, trying to push him out of the kitchen, “Now, go call your man.”   
  
He laughs and yanks his phone from the bench as he leaves the kitchen, deciding to head into their small yard to take in some of the morning sun. He doesn’t hesitate to pull up his contacts.

It only rings twice. “Hello?”   
  
“Hey, Levi, it’s Eren…”

**Author's Note:**

> if you guys want more content, here is my aot twitter: [<3](https://twitter.com/eggeren_art)  
> i want friends pls don't be afraid to dm me


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